In the last 2 years, I have been through quite the roller coaster. But, the real roller coaster has been going on for much longer than that. By much longer, I’m talking 12 years ago.
It was 12 years ago, when I made the decision to let Jesus into my heart. You know what changed with this decision? Nothing. My heart was hard. I was immature, my actions were no where near matching up with my words and I was careless about everything. I chose the easy route anytime I had the chance, and didn’t care how it affected others.
Careless. I am reckless. I’m a wrong-way-traveling-slowly-unraveling shell of a man.
Those are lyrics from the song “The Alter and the Door by Casting Crowns. Powerful, and right. I have been that shell of a man for so long, and it’s really not until this last year that I’ve been aware of the shape I’ve been in. While I’d like to say I realized it myself, it took a divorce and a broken family for me to realize I didn’t hit rock bottom – I’ve been living on rock bottom.
When love would always last forever and families stayed together. Back to the day before two houses. When they held my hands when I was little before I got caught in the middle. Somewhere between two houses. Because these two houses, sure don’t feel like home
Those are lyrics from the song “Two Houses” by my favorite songwriter, Matthew West. This song still gets me. While the kids are doing amazing, still; there is something that will always be broken to them. It will affect their future relationships and ultimately their marriage. No matter what I do, I can’t repair that. It’s a broken part of their life that will now always be broken. All I can do is guide them to Jesus and remind them that they are loved by Him and it’s a love that will never break, and as long as they focus on that throughout their life, they will have the best chance at putting the pain I’ve caused them so far in the past it’s forgotten.
Tonight. Tonight is just a night of reflecting on my shortcomings. It’s been a while since I’ve sat and really had things kinda weigh me down like this.
It makes me think about all the people who have been in my life, that I have caused our relationship to be broken by being immature, or failing to just simply be a friend. I’ve had relationships that felt like they would be good, and I just simply stop connecting. People I have went to church with who have loved my kids and I began forming relationships with, yet I didn’t bother to attend church often enough to maintain them and now they are simply “Facebook friends”.
It hit me like a ton of bricks today when I was messaging some on Facebook for addresses so I had them for Christmas cards. One response was a new address. My old Pastor, someone I considered a friend, but I couldn’t attend church enough, nor did I take any of his advice or actually listen, REALLY listen.
All of this because of actions I did and didn’t take (mostly didn’t).
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting here being depressed. Sure, I’m sitting here giving myself a hard time, but it’s what I do; I write about life.
All I can do is pray I don’t do the same things to new relationships and for patience. Not patience for me, but for those dealing with me.