It’s been about a year and a half since I realized I ruined my marriage – a truck speeding downhill with 10 years of struggles and pain finally veered off the cliff. Divorce was decided and there was no going back. The word divorce alone, was like a samurai sword cutting any connection to that once happy relationship.
In the first six months or so after this decision was made, I won’t lie – it was her fault. Was there any other answer for me to have? I was as broken as I have ever been – depressed, then a divorce that wasn’t my idea and not living in the same house with my kids anymore. I wasn’t at rock bottom, I dug a hole and went further down.
Do we really have the proper perspective at those times? The times where emotion is fueling just getting out of bed, or choosing to stay in bed, which was my main choice back then. Of course not. We’re angry, sad, we want to hurt that other person emotionally. There the perspective is that of a small child. It really is.
I am well past the point of time where bitterness wins the day. Heck, I’ve even moved on and found happiness in ways I didn’t know were possible. Every relationship requires two active participants for it to last and I’ve done my share of breaking relationships over the years.
When it comes to my marriage, let’s just say that there are things that ruin a marriage, and I am guilty.
5 Ways I Ruined My Marriage
I Stopped Trying
Let’s face it, how many of us have every been in a point where we said “well, when he/she does, I will”? What about “I can’t remember the last time he/she did something for me, so why should I?” I am pretty sure, we’ve all been there at least once. Me? I lived there. Yeah, my Wife and I lived the crazy cycle. I simply stopped trying. In every way, because in my eyes, she wasn’t trying. Well how could she, when I was being such a you know what 24/7. I simply made a choice to not put effort into my marriage.
I Grew an Entitled Mindset
As my marriage grew, I found myself getting this entitled mindset, where I would say to myself “She’s my Wife, she’s supposed to”. It didn’t matter what this relates to. From watching TV shows, to cleaning up around the house, to sex. I had this mindset of “It’s Expected”.
I Stopped Caring For Myself
I got married. I won. In my mind, I advanced to a chapter of a new book in my life that would never end, because we said “I will”. I stopped trying to look nice for her. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to shave or not shave and rarely dressed in anything better than jeans and a T. Why? Because I had her. May, was I an idiot.
I Stopped Holding Her Hand
From what I can remember, my Wife and I were never big on holding hands. However, I can remember a time where we’d be watching TV before we got married and would be. It stopped. It was a small thing that was big, that I thought nothing of.
I Stopped Kissing Her
There was a time where I kissed my Wife all the time. Walking through a room, leaving the house, just because. On the cheek, the forehead, the lips, whatever struck me as appropriate at the time. A way to say “Hey, you’re amazing”. Why did I stop? Well, when you stop trying and feel entitled, I didn’t think she was that amazing most of the time. Instead, I’d sit and think to myself “Why isn’t she kissing me?”
So there it is, a few ways Husbands destroy marriages, or at least how I destroyed mine. When I was married, I didn’t think I was that bad. Most of the time, I didn’t think our marriage was in rough waters. It’s not until after the fact that I realized what a horrible man I was. It’s amazing how God brings you through certain things, hardships, to toughen you for what’s to come. I never would have thought, that my marriage and divorce would be something to prepare me for something else, yet here I am: divorced and have faith stronger than it’s ever been.
If you’re saying “I ruined my marriage how can I fix it”, then I have one simple piece of advice for you before it’s too late. Be present. I’ve been heavy on this when it comes to being a Dad, but it means the same for a Husband, fiance or boyfriend. Be present. Be active. Watch God do miracles.